I'm a 26 year old woman, and I have been single my entire life. I have never gone on a date, kissed, had sex, or even danced with a guy. I am choosing anonymous because I feel that at my age, this is beyond pathetic.
I am single because I have always wanted so much more than I could actually have. In middle school, I enjoyed childlike things still. Kisses were gross! I mean, I was only 12.
In high school, every conversation was about sex. Sex! No way. No boy was putting his hands on me and thinking it would lead to anything else. The idea of making out grossed me out. Yet, I began to want to date just to fit in. It was too late though. I was already seen as the girl that was a waste of time because you'd get nothing. I was also a loner, spending my free time in the library or writing in my journals.
In my late teens, I still wanted to date, but still didn't want anything more. I probably messed up a lot of potential dates because I would come off as extremely reserved and uninterested. The truth? I was petrified! I had no clue how to talk to men.
In my early 20s, I was convinced I was a lesbian. Maybe that's why I didn't like the idea of a man that I barely knew touching my body and shoving his tongue down my throat. So, I experimented sexually with my bisexual best friend. I have nothing against anyone who is a homosexual, but I learned that I am DEFINITELY straight. Still, that went on for about a year. Some touches are better than no touches at all. We did this secretly until I just couldn't stomach it anymore, so we stopped. Somehow, our friendship survived and even thrived from the experience.
Today, I am in my late 20s. 26! I do get some attention from men, but none that I want to pursue, and I am not one to settle. (We're not talking about cute vs ugly. I mean gentleman vs 100% jerk.)
I can do more to NOT be single. I could join meetups, try online dating, accept these offers from the men I'm not at all interested in…
The truth is, as much as I do want sex now, I want a relationship more. I have this dumb, probably unrealistic idea that I will meet a cool sort of cute guy and we will become friends. I will trust him enough to move to a romantic level. Then, when I'm ready, we can do all of the things that I missed out on in my life. Until then, I'm pretty sure I'll continue to be single.
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